Mindlessness

Sometimes my brain has mushy moments. Not moments where it gets all love-y dove-y, but moments when it just stops taking in information. I don't mind this for the most part...except when it goes mushy right when I need it. I have mindless moments and time when I just like to not have to deal with anything, but lately, I haven't been able to go mushy! Makes me long for the hours that I spent on the couch after I got home from my mission and had surgery. I would watch hours of Iron Chef! The only thing that I would have to worry about was whether I was going to die from the pain coming from my belly and what I could keep down. Now I feel as if I am just worrying non stop. Maybe that is why my brain feels like it is ready to jump from my skull. I wish they were just academic worries too. But they are the actual hard thinking that comes from making big decisions.

Some of the big decisions I am trying to make are first of all, do I continue with my Music Ed degree and will I be able to pass my juries and all of the other wonderfulnesses that come from being a Music Ed Major. When is the soonest I will be able to graduate? What are my options? Can I just drop out for a year? Is that okay? How important is it for me to actually graduate? Some of the job offers I have received are starting to look very good! Would I be happy doing anything else?

I have really discovered my true hate of music. And it is now leaking into the pop style too. The only music I find entertaining or easy to listen to is Movie Music. I think this deep hatred is rooted in the Music Program. I was apart of a discussion today on the definition of art. The conversation lead to the topic of "Stifling Creativity". This is a thought that sometimes I wish I understood better. Why is it that we feel it necessary to tell people that their creativity/creation is not right? Where do we find that rule book?  Why do we think that we are able to judge what is good and what is bad? I understand that morally there are reasons for defining what is good and what is bad, but in a creative world, why is this necessary? I do not believe that it is necessary to draw boundaries around the areas of creativity. As a child, we are taught that there are boundaries, that we must stay within the lines. But who creates those lines? What qualifies this person/company/professor to delineate the lines?

Okay, off of my soap box.

But I am looking into finishing and working to do something better.
What is there? Where will I make the most impact on the world? What is my place?
In the sixth grade class I am teaching, we are working to delineate through lines, what we would like to have accomplished by the time we finish our course with them. One of the established thorough lines is that the children will understand their place in the world and that they have choices they can make to make a difference not only in their world, but in the world of others. This is one of the questions that I am currently having to answer in my world. In my life. It is interesting how all consuming the thoughts of "my world" can be. Am I apart of a bigger picture or is this is?

Well, I thank you for reading my post. It is mainly just my thoughts thrown up on paper, but it really does help me understand what is important.